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CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF – “COMP DAY”

Have you ever paid attention to the running commentary going on with yourself on competition day?

Of course this is not the same for all of us as everyone handles stress differently, but some of the things that come to mind are:

“I feel so tired today. I have no energy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. My partner is dancing like crap today. I can’t stand on my on feet. My hair didn’t go well today. I look too big in this dress. These tails are killing me. My makeup is not the best today. They are wearing the same thing as me. We are in the same colour. I bet they are going to dance well today. The panel is bad for us today. The panel is good for them today. The floor is slippery. The floor is sticky. The floor has divets in it. It’s so hot in here. I can’t eat. I feel lethargic. We are running late. My partner is angry at me. How many rounds do we have left? My stamina is bad today. I secretly hope we don’t do another round, I’m knackered. I can’t believe we didn’t make another round and they did. I wonder what our teachers think of our dancing today. I hope they didn’t see me as I danced so bad today.  I can’t believe we didn’t even get one mark from that judge.”

This can go on forever and ever. I know not everyone has these types of thoughts, but I can assure you many do! I hear students talk all day long at comps, making justifications as to why they may not perform why they do, placing blame on others or simply being self destructive as their confidence has taken a massive hit. Is this the way you want to enjoy competitions?

I challenge you to take some time during your next competition and check in with what is really going on in your mind. How many stories have you got involved in before you even become aware that it is happening?

The important work in trying to turn this around starts well before competition day, in fact it is a daily job! We can’t expect our minds to suddenly think differently on ‘comp day’ if on a daily basis we train it proficiently to be destructive. From experience, the additional stresses on competition day will only enhance the behavioural patterns learned at practices or even in your personal life.

This brings me to this question – what drives us to have certain thought patterns? This is a big question, but at the same time the driving force behind our thoughts tend to fall into two categories –  either from a place of love or a place of fear. So is the destructive stories going on during comp day a result of fear? What are you fearful of? I want to highlight a few examples which might be applicable to dancers.

  1. A BAD RESULT: I think it’s pretty fair to say this is the biggest driving force amongst dancers as to why we may continue to participate in all that negative thinking. If you now find yourself going hell yes, then the next question that comes into my mind is, and what if you do? What’s the worst that can happen? Have you had a bad result in the past? Almost everyone has at some stage. Did you survive, yes! Did it make you stronger, almost always, yes! Of course it is horrible, yes you want to hide, yes you wonder what people think etc, but again all of those things are out of your control. It’s such a vicious cycle – fear bad result, have destructive thoughts, jeopardise performance, and potentially encourage bad result anyway! What if you broke the chain, and just accepted how you will dance that day, and accepted the result whatever it may be. At least this way you give yourself the opportunity to perform at your best.
  2. WORRIED WHAT OTHERS’ WILL THINK: Of course this is linked to the first. I think it is often a concern of what the teachers/judges who are not judging but watching, will think. This in turn can alter their view and marking of you in future competitions. If you are doing your best, have prepared well, dancing true to what you want to do and who you want to do it with, then it’s easier to welcome the feedback rather than fear it. Also it is worth considering that in this scenario, a majority of the time, what you are worried about is all assumption! You don’t know what they are actually thinking when watching. They could be thinking about what they want for dinner, their next holiday or another couple and there you were letting it jeopardise your performance that day.
  3. FEAR OF YOUR PARTNER: I find this one incredibly heart breaking. I’ve actually been there myself and man if I had the chance to go back how I would do things differently. The slightest idea of being afraid of what you partner will think, how they will speak to you or physically act towards you if you don’t perform well is truly heartbreaking. This defeats the entire purpose of working in a team. If there are issues in the partnership then they are bound to be highlighted on competition day. The additional stresses will break open any existing small cracks. Far better to be honest with yourself and either communicate with your partner to resolve the issues or move on. If life is too short, then a dancing career is definitely too short to be fearful of your own partner.
  4. PERSONAL DISAPPOINTMENT: Speaking from experience when this actually happens, it is one of the worst. Looking back I had no idea how to deal with this at the time. It really only become something to fear after my first real experience of personal disappointment. I let it take over my entire being for days, weeks and even months after it happened and this resistance rather than acceptance made it a much bigger thing than it should have been. The knowing that you could have done so much better, letting yourself (and your partner) down after all the sacrifices you had made to arrive at that point, knowing the expectations you had upon yourself (another blog right there!) and then you didn’t perform, you didn’t enjoy it and you felt humiliated at that moment of time. I have had a few times in my career when I wanted the floor to swallow me up so no one could see me and the nightmare would be over. At that time, in that final, it should have been the highlight of my career at that point, and yet it went completely and disastrously wrong. Sadly, the feelings that followed for a long time after the performance were really what I remember about that competition. With such resistance and determination to punish myself, I made sure that I didn’t let it go and moving forward I was so fearful of experiencing this again. As hard as it is, it’s better to accept what has happened and not punish yourself. Learn how you can do it differently but do not beat yourself up!

If you can relate to a negative conversation going on with yourself on competition day, or even in practice or on a daily basis, take some time to think about what it is you’re really fearful of. Identifying and acknowledging the cause will be the first step in reducing it’s power and help you recognise what is going on when it reoccurs. Know that these thoughts do not serve you and in the big scheme of things, life is simply too short to be living in fear, overrun with worry and concerned with every insignificant detail. Keep it all in perspective and give it the importance it warrants. What is more important at the end of your career … how much you enjoyed it or how much you worried about everything?

LOOKING INWARDS

A huge part of what we do in dance is about satisfying the needs of others – our partners, our teachers, the adjudicators and our families who support us. The person that often comes last in this line is actually the most important part of the equation, YOU!

Manifesting your dreams, creating ultimate happiness and living your life to the fullest will not happen if your actions are not congruent with your core values, beliefs and goals. Understanding this is the easy bit, putting this into practice is not always an easy task, especially if you have jumped aboard a roller coaster ride for someone else’s vision.

The first thing you must do is look inward. Asking yourself the right questions is again not so difficult, but KNOWING which answer to listen to can be where the challenge really lies. What do I really want? What makes me happy? How can I move closer to what I want right now? How do I want to dance? What style do I love? How do I want to look? How do I want to feel when I dance? What weight do I want to be? What emotion do I want to portray? How do I want to be remembered as a dancer? How do I want to be remembered as a student? How do I want to be remembered as a person?

The problem is your ‘real’ answers to these questions often get manipulated, altered or moulded into something over time that is far from your truth. The challenge for dancers is that in order to achieve success you must place trust in your core team – your partner, your coach and teachers. Is what you learn and listen to by trusting in their experience, their education, their knowledge, skill and success, in alignment with your core values, desires, dreams and beliefs. Are you trusting these people more than you trust your values, intuition, gut feeling, or dreams? It’s a question as a teacher I think about a lot and was also a dominate theme when I practiced as a therapist. It is imperative to recognise the differences in everyone, and guide therapy to meet the individuals personal needs. I often had a dialogue between dancer/teacher Natasha and therapist Natasha whilst teaching dance at a University. How far could I change the way people dressed, groomed and behaved to be in line with a dancer mentality verse respecting their individuality and personality? How much do we demand that students do things in a certain way because it is tradition, the way things are done or expected in our industry? It’s an interesting topic, but I think if you can suggest ideas with reasoning as to why it is done that way, you are sharing something that has become now your belief. From there it is purely up to the student if they wish to act on the suggestion or not.

I have developed a number of steps that will put you on the right road to achieving personal satisfaction whilst still working within a team.

  1. Ask these questions frequently of yourself.
  2. Select the team you think will be most congruent with your answers.
  3. Communicate with your team your visions, beliefs, goals – always with the respect of peoples’ differences.

If at any stage your vision is taking a different path to those in your team then a) revisit and discuss openly again your dreams, values or beliefs and try to ask for their understanding and guidance in helping you achieve them or b) thank them with gratitude of being part of your journey and remain true to your path.

There may be some people who ask, particularly if you are the teacher, coach or partner, ‘but he/she needs to be closely controlled, has ideas that are unrealistic, and will waste so much time and talent if not told what to do.’ I have also found myself in this position. Sadly, change will not really happen for someone until they reach a point that they want to do it for themselves anyway. So all of your hard work and effort in helping and guiding them will be unrealised anyway! If the person does take on your suggestions even if it is not what they believe in, some may be successful, some may achieve a better outcome, but will they have enjoyed their journey? Would the relationship between you been the fruitful, inspiring and exciting one you had hoped it to be? Or would you have spend all your time forcing them to do something as it is what you think should happen. As I’ve often read, it can be like raising children, you must sometimes let them figure it all out for themselves as that is when true change and realisation happens.

True productivity, achievement and happiness comes when core values, beliefs and dreams are aligned. If you have any doubts of whether you and your team want the same things, whether you and your partner are on the same page, or that you don’t even know what you think yourself, then I urge you to give this more thought. Ultimate success will not happen without complete clarity of your vision.

Spend some time thinking about this, visualising, journaling, typing it out, – whatever you prefer to do and keep a record of it. Visit it regularly as it may change with new information and ideas, but always be truthful, open and honest with yourself. You could save yourself years of being stuck in unwanted partnerships and relationships and live a much more fulfilled and happy life and dance career.